Sunday, January 15, 2012

it has been a long time since i had posted, sheesh. i think when posts are low traffic that's generally a good thing, as there's nothing interesting to report. for a good stretch of times things were pretty decent, though i've been waylaid by a serious sinus infection since the beginning of october. pretty much all my sinuses are blocked. i was supposed to have surgery on the 11th to open them up, but honestly my life has been SO FUCKING FULL of insanity that i just broke down emotionally and physically. since the surgery isn't super emergency stuff, we're doing it on 2/27 now. the combination of angry mast cells and congestion made it seem too risky. suffice it to say i'm still not psyched about surgery but hopefully there will be more clarity in other aspects of my life by then, so things will seem more settled.

a close family member has been going through the diagnostic process to determine if they have multiple myeloma or some other blood cancer. that has been by far the hardest thing i've had to deal with, pretty much ever. it's so much hurry up and wait stuff that it becomes unbearable. i also haven't really spoken about it with anyone because while i tend to be a fairly open book, i also would like to respect my family since they're more stoic. suffice it to say, right now it sucks. a bunch of blood and urine work was done, and from there i guess it will be determined when said family member needs to get a bmb, which should be this week. it's been incredibly traumatic and i just want answers. which just makes me feel so ineffectual and small because even with answers it isn't like -i- can do anything.

then there was this massive facebook drama. i kind of hate facebook because people can use it to present themselves in whatever manner they choose. since i don't particularly dig my masto diagnosis and don't use it as an avenue to make friends with people, i think in some ways that makes me less popular in the masto online world. (obviously my attitude also makes me less popular since i admittedly can come across as a bitch at times, though that is something i've been working on) but things went ten thousand shades of fucked up over the past 3 weeks. like, there is honestly no way to really be able to elaborate on the nonsense that has gone on without either making up random pseudonyms of people or just flat out calling them on their shit (or my interpretation of it which is admittedly biased and as far as impressions go, not fully formed since i only know fragments of what has been going on)

but this is why i hate facebook, or i guess high school. during the drama of the past 3 weeks, one thing came up that's essentially been verified by two people that, to me, is bullshit. we all have our cliques, sometimes it feels great to scream into a wind tunnel without opposition, however other times i think it can turn into a breeding ground where negative behaviors fester and explode and this is one of those cases. i have no doubt this one splinter group started with good intentions, keep things small, keep things intimate, i get that, i get all of it. it's honestly not something that appeals to me, only because i already know too many people between djing, hooping, jewelry making, gaming, and having lived in a bunch of cities, and i've been blessed with incredibly supportive non masto friends and family. so i admittedly don't rely on other masto patients for much emotional support or even much in the ways of socialization. it's nothing against anyone, it's just that in many cases, aside from this stupid disease we have nothing in common and sometimes those things are huge (religion, politics, etc)

so apparently there is this one clique, and so i've been told, it has a tendency to shit talk other masto patients behind their backs. this is so not awesome on so many levels. first off, if you create a closed community where pack mentality ends up taking over, you're all gonna just discount people permanently and possibly without merit. it's way easy to hate on someone if your 13 other friends do it too, even if half don't even remember why they're doing it in the first place. discounting and discrediting people is so easy when you have a dynamic like that. then as long as you've got this hatetastic feedback loop going, you're never going to look at your targets as people, just sources for amusement. they stop being people and start being caricatures. plus, as long as you've got a group of people backing up your perspective, it's never gonna change.

here's the thing, not everyone needs to be friends. not everyone needs to like each other. to assume either of those things is possible is being blindly optimistic and veering into the territory of being incredibly naive. but when you create a social structure that legitimizes dislike, you're also never going to be able to let go of those negative feelings. really, i can't even see where the benefit in that is. let's say, dear reader, i walked up to you and slapped you for no good reason. obviously it would be fantastic that you had friends you could turn to who would have your back in that instance. but if a year later you're -still- complaining about it, having never confronted me, it grows and grows, turning it into this massive cancer that resides in the back of your head, nothing changing for the better. for me, i don't like to write people off, sometimes to my detriment, but i also think that everyone changes, and everyone deserves a second, third, or fourth chance. people fuck up, but if we viewed everyone based solely on their fuck ups, pretty soon we'd end up hating everyone. there's no joy in that, there's no freedom in that, you end up getting wrapped up in your feelings that should've been let go ages ago.

plus, really, bitching about people behind closed doors, to me, seems stupid. whenever i've had a problem with someone, i'd rather have it out with them right then and there. it's so much more effective than spending time stewing and being consumed with anger or pettiness. i will always have a lot more respect for someone who calls me on my shit directly, even if i don't agree with them, vs someone who bitches about me (or anyone) privately for long stretches of time. i mean, the world is full of unpleasantness, and that includes not getting along with people, but i guess i'd also like to think we could all at least try, especially when it comes to masto patients, as there are so few of us that really the last thing we need is to fracture the small groups we have.


Anonymous said...

I really support your type of personality and attitude. Sometimes the bitch is all that gets us through the day with this fucked up illness!

rutha said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


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Bridget said...

thank you susan! and anonymous!

Alaskini said...

i somehow missed the whole fb drama. yeah! i enjoy your blog, the way you articulate your milestones and stumbling blocks. good luck with the surgery!

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