bladders and brains

today i had to have a cystoscopy...i was terrified since this was my first "major" medical procedure since the MRI that seems to have tipped off the maelstrom of masto symptoms. the idea of having a procedure that could set me off was frightening.

i took some premeds (50mg benadryl, 1mg ketotifen, 150mg of zantac, 2ml of gastrocrom) over the course of the 90 minutes prior to the visit. i was terrified. this was exacerbated by the fact that my husband had to drop me off at the hospital and park a few blocks away, so i was waiting by myself. then when i saw the nurse, she immediately got my protocol wrong, wanting to clean me off with an iodine based cleanser, using latex gloves, wanting to give me a opiate topical ointment...i started getting even more nervous because all of those things were iffy for me with the masto. He came in and explained to her that I was very sensitive, and we needed to use a different protocol and everything was somewhat better. i was still terrified. i hadn't felt my meds kick in (usually they knock me out).

my urologist was very considerate, telling me that I didn't need to have the test if I wasn't ready since there as the potential for my stress to cause problems. he was so nice, the nurse was so nice, and i was so terribly scared. then they allowed my husband in the room so we could discuss whether or not to postpone the procedure...they didn't put any pressure on me, they didn't seem frustrated that i might back out...it was so nice.

i was about 5 seconds away from backing out. the idea of shocking again was leaving me petrified. but then i realized that if i was scared today, i'd be scared next week (unless i possibly threw some steroids on top of my protocol) or the week after, so i should just suck it up and get the procedure done.

so i did. it was not that bad, especially since i had to have it done without any sort of anesthetic. my doctor was fantastic, explaining every step of the procedure to me as it went along, and then it was over...i'm not going to lie, it was painful when he used the second scope, but nowhere near as bad as i anticipated. thankfully my bladder looks perfect, no mast cells, no cysts, no cancer cells, nothing. so chances are the blood was either a uti or just something that happens. i had no white blood cells in my culture today, which leans away from infection, so that was comforting.

I was really proud of myself for going through with it. i had every opportunity to walk away from this mega scary experience, and i didn't. everyone told me it would be ok to postpone the cystoscopy for a week or two...but i didn't. i gritted my teeth and went through with it.

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things are still a little off. i think sometimes i am verging on hypochondria, since i read or hear things and decide that it must be something that's going to get me too...i don't know if it's the result of years of misdiagnoses or getting slammed with a really rare disease, but i am always waiting for that proverbial shoe to drop...lately i've become fascinated with chiari malformations, and am convinced that that is something i need to have looked at. this isn't entirely baseless, since i've had abnormal MRI's for the past 4 years or so, but i'm not really experiencing any of the main symptoms (like headaches) but because i have a sore neck, i've decided that that must be the next thing to happen to me. that and the fatigue and sleep issues just has me concerned...unrelated to my latest medical fascination I have an appointment to see a neurologist, so that works out well. hopefully i am in fact a hypochondriac, as I really don't want to deal wit another disease. of course i can feel myself being hyper-vigilant now, so whenever i get any headache or neck ache i just decide that that's it, my brain is slowly working its way into my spinal column.

i need a new hobby.