Sunday, August 23, 2009

almost 2.5 years

I've been "sick" for almost 2 and a half years now. At least that's when I got my diagnosis.

The kidney issue really threw me for a loop, rather hard. I was in tremendous pain and was tremendously unstable. It was awful. I had the lithotripsy and things started to slooooowly turn around.

Come April I came to a rather abrupt conclusion. This was aided by the passing of a 5mm kidney stone, without any painkillers. To say it was painful would be an understatement. However I also realized that my options were to either a) go to the hospital to see what would happen. Most likely they'd want to give me painkillers which I wouldn't be able to tolerate, plus I'd be in pain in the hospital, which would be miserable. Or I could stay home and try to get through it while meditating and making sure I was still able to pass urine. I opted for the latter, breathing and sweating my way through around 12 hours of the most intense pain I'd ever had.

In the morning I passed the stone.

I felt so powerful afterwards and I realized that while the masto had kept me from something as comforting as morphine to dull the incredible pain of the stone, it also kept me from even seeking out the additional comfort. Why couldn't I view my masto the same way? Why does this disease have to be this huge hinderance for me?

Ever since then I've been throwing myself into activities. I've been exercising daily, working on jewelry like mad, signed up for a class at MassArt for the fall, started working with hoop dancing...it's all so beautiful and wonderful.

It's like the past two years were under some sort of shroud. I was quiet, landlocked, miserable, kept to myself, kept quiet...now I just want to expose my heart and stretch and move and be loud and be around people and it feels glorious.

I'm obviously still sticking to my meds and to the low histamine diet...but I feel like this disease became an addiction almost. Everything was so colored by it, so darkened by it...and now I'm starting to be free again.

7 comments:

Gypsy Princessa said...

Reading this post couldn't have come at a better time for me. So thank you for posting. I am moved by your strength, resilience and resolve...I've been struggling the same. And this morning, after meditating most of the night instead of sleeping, I find that DOING good things for myself, like your hoop dancing (are you Aboriginal/Native/First Nations?) and my bellydancing and writing, DOES help us fuel the fires from within. Incredible, eh?

Well done on the kidney stone fight. Yowch. I've seen grown men crying, doubled over in agony, screaming for medications in Emerg. with the same thing. If it's ok to say I'm really proud of you for enduring this YOUR way, I am. xoxoxo

Fighting the fight...forward ho! ((hugs))
Fiona

Faith Berry said...

You are awesome!

Foxxy One said...

What an amazing post. You are an incredible strong woman!

Bridget said...

@ gypsy - I am glad that this post helped you. I feel like this mindset is really helping me a lot. It's like aside from the physical detriment of suffering from masto, the psychological element was/is even worse. I just felt so trapped. I mean, I am trapped or limited in some ways, but I am trying to learn what ways are valid vs what ways are self imposed by dear.

As for the hooping, it's just hula hooping with a heavy hoop that i'm learning to move up and down my body and with my hands. It's way cool and I love it.

You bellydance? What style do you dance in? I took some...cabaret style classes last month and loved it. It's something I want to explore more in the winter I think

Bridget said...

@ faith, dawww, thank you <3

Bridget said...

@ foxxy - it took me a long time to get here, and I'm sure I have a long, long way to go. It's just so subjective and unpredictable, you know?

Emily said...

I'm really relieved to hear you're finally feeling a little better! How do you manage exercise without having a reaction? I frequently try to exercise but often find that my UP has other ideas, and end up itching something fierce (especially on my arms and legs where the spots are the most dense). I've started taking Allegra everyday on the advice of my dermatologist, but am still apprehensive about rigorous exercise, even though I've got a very expensive spinning bike sitting in our living room begging to be used.